I’m drinking coffee in my Dr. Who kigurumi
I’m turning thirty-seven soon, and I have the
Drapes half shut, half open because I failed to measure them
When I ordered them on Amazon.
My kid’s at his grammie’s house,
My husband’s sleeping, my boyfriend’s sleeping,
And I’m starting school again soon,
And I wonder if I can finally conquer algebra
Looking out at my garden I see the light of a new sun,
When I go to bed at night, I feel the sand slipping through my fingers
Another day, another toilet flushing,
What have I done with this day in my life?
I’m searching for answers on Google, church, and YouTube,
But I’m still too timid to find my own convictions,
Bland and smiling, I’m so polite
Every day I try to figure out my life
Another moon, another moon, another moon, another moon,
Almost forty, I have the feeling that I’m going to die soon.
In what way do I want to make a difference?
I don’t know yet.
And time moves faster every day.
Do I trust that my daily rituals are a legacy worth having,
Or should I do something spectacular that will leave the world changed?
I kind of like marketing but I hate the feeling of being spammy,
I’m not sure I want to be famous or to have a personal brand,
But I don’t want to be chained to one institution or to offering services
I want to travel and unravel greater truths, to experience novelty and wonder.
What’s the answer, what should I do, what would you do, what’s the positive and proactive thing
That I can do to feel like I’m not wasting my life on Netflix and on my laptop
Are long walks and meditating the real answer, they seem so virtuous
But are they ultimately worthless
I love movies about time travel because they make it seem like takebacks are possible
I think every day I’m waiting for a time machine to travel
But ever since I had my son I don’t want to prevent his birth
So no more going back to being ten to do it all again
I’m stuck moving forward in this life that I’ve created
What will it take to love myself to stop all of my self-hating
More novelty, more philanthropy, more time with those I love -
Are those my answers, I don’t know my answers,
But every day I’m searching, through more and more panic
I think this may be my midlife crisis
And people think I’m wise because I’m kind behind the eyes
But I’m really scared and really freaked
Let’s wrap this up it’s time to eat. Can’t be existentially productive when you’re hangry.